When I started this blog, just over two months ago, I had the modest goal of posting once a week on Fridays. It would be a little me time and it would be an achievable goal for a busy homeschooling SAHM. I figured if I posted extras, that was fine, but not required. Since the blog is primarily for my kiddos and for me, volume is not all that important.
And then something happened and I just couldn’t write. No, it wasn’t the dreaded writer’s block. I had plenty of ideas still. Some I hope to draft up soon. No, I just couldn’t write because I got a BFP on March 22nd. For those of you not into the lingo, that would be Big Fat Positive (pregancy test).
So this baby is not a surprise. As I may have mentioned in my “NFP is hard” posts, we had switched from using the Creighton Method for avoiding pregnancy to using the Creighton Method for observing my fertility (sorry, OUR fertility). This is why I was able to get the faintest BFP ever just 12 DPO (Days Post Ovulation). This is why I was able to find out that my progesterone levels were low and I got on supplements right away, hopefully ensuring a healthy pregnancy and baby.
So why haven’t I posted? Well, after a lot of talking with the hubs, searching online forums, and reading birth stories, I think I’ve realized that I’m terrified of admitting I’m pregnant. I have four perfect children. The last one came and almost didn’t make it. For that matter, I scared the docs, too. I have a good friend who is a statistician and I know enough to see that I have beat the odds one time too many. I am terrified that I am going to go into that doctor’s appointment on April 15th and find that my luck has run out, that there is no heartbeat and that will be devastating. I don’t want to fall in love with this new little one because I still feel the trauma of my fourth birth.
At the same time, to not blog about it would be to ignore my little one’s existence and regardless of the outcome, the world deserves to know this soul exists! So I’m sucking it up.
I have been praying for Saint Gianna’s intercession, but I think I’ve been asking for the wrong thing. I’ve been praying the novena for a healthy pregnancy, birth, and baby, but I think I am in need of peace that God’s will be done and that I accept his will. One of these days I will get that.
When Sweet Sis was born and I was finally able to get to the children’s Hospital she had been transported to, I was blessed to be in a Catholic hospital with daily Mass and a chapel. I attended Mass most days (unless she had a test I wanted to be there for) and wrote a prayer request in the book outside the chapel. I wrote, “That God’s will be done in the life of my daughter.” The measure of peace and grace I received the moment I wrote and accepted those words was infinite. And though I am still amazed at what God has wrought for us, that peace has never really left. Now I’m facing something that is all in my head and instead of being a normal, sane, functional mama, I’m wigging out. Thus, the stop in posting. Two Fridays passed and two posts down. But no more. I have watched far braver women than I soldier on through what appeared to be unbearable crosses and here I am just being a big loser.
So I’m putting my head on straight and saying it: I’m pregnant, happy, excited, and looking forward to my April 15th ultrasound where I’ll see my little tie-breaker. And come December sometime, we should get to meet him or her. Everything will be the way it will be and God is good!